Why Chelsea need a liquidator for Harry’s stars

There are no certainties in life, and even fewer in this column. But I think we can say with a fair degree of confidence that Chelsea will not be playing Champions League football next season.

Roman Abramovich covets the Champions League like a bloke covets his neighbour's wife, unless it's the woman who lives next door to me.
She's so ugly that when she was born they put tinted windows on her incubator.
Typically, the harder something is to get, the sweeter it becomes once you get your hands on it. I think that's why women very rarely sleep with their date until the second date. Not that I know for sure - I've never had a second date.
After a 1-0 win at Benfica, Hills offer 8-1 for Chelsea to win the Champions League - all they have to do is beat Barcelona and then Real Madrid. It's 2-1 for the Blues to qualify for the Champions League by any route - the most likely scenario is Tottenham going into liquidation.
Chelsea, who meet Harry Redknapp's team in the FA Cup semi-final, are 11-2 with Ladbrokes to win a trophy before Fernando Torres scores another goal for them.
I think it's the same odds for Aldershot and Macclesfield.
Despite the tempting odds, you'd be mad to back Chelsea to qualify for the Champions League next season, writes Derek McGovern